Through life, people do/should look back at their lives and think or wonder about how they got to here, to where they are now. Recently, life has been routine, it's not hard for me to block things out completely, something like the quote i learnt today from friends: "Oblivious people lead fulfilling lives." I won't dare to say that fulfilling is an all-encompassing word for the feeling that i get but it's a bit of a summary i guess. Although such blatent ignorance take emotional tolls and reaps all the consequences mercilessly. Such as, no longer calling a friend as often. Someone thick as me (yeah i am thick in some matters) will not take a short time for it to hurt me enough to notice. It will always be too late. Too hard to rescue, too much effort and too little return. It's a joke that i feel lonely and not know why. People say it's not hard, just pick the phone up. But talking to a friend on the phone is not only financially unsustainable, it takes away too much of your regular life time. Which will end up to unwashed dishes and unfolded laundry in my case.
Clown. Yes i have always been one. In primary 3 i was the class clown. I also happened to be the class monitor and top my class regularly. I continued to become a teacher's pet, yet still clowning with the teachers at any chance. Physically i never was quite a big icon, but i never had trouble because i earned respect and friendship throughout the cliques. I learnt that happiness is an attribute that can unite any two persons, that it is most productive. And i want to make a change. To make people smile, laugh, or at least give them something to smile and laugh about. Even if that is me. I guess you can only tell a joke if u owned it, but I do make people feel that they owned me, that i always owed them something, everything.
I watch my dad, as he commands the laughter of friends, clients, children, women young and old. Dad was never a man of great stature, being an elder child in a poor family. But i think he has given me strength many times. To be who I am. To be a clown, but a commanding one. One that knows where he wants to take his audience, that the world is his stage and all eyes are on him. On stage he is the only one. One that leads the hearts of men. Well actually i have no idea how to do that. I've played it dirty too long to learn a proper way. Giving too much, betting on the good side of every person to carry me through when i'm in need. No real charisma, just a feeling that they owe me. That i've owed them and paid my dues, that i deserve something. anything. nothing. Nobody knows. Even i don't. All i know is if they laugh, it's all good.
Years in australia, friends get sick of the jokes, they laugh less, i struggle with the relationships. I try different, i try deep. Mostly i was just boring, too intense at times, inappropriate. Too lame, they call it. I don't know. Fresh guys make the same jokes, they are funny. I laugh. They laugh. Soon that will fade too, and backbiting creeps into that void. But those that have chosen to listen, they stayed, they trusted. I am both blessed and cursed to have a wide social circle.
Truly, for every man, there's something to say about him. Some one thing that's easy to say. Few people stray away from the one word "nice" when it's my turn in the line. I feel too neutral. I do everything, I am good at none. Yet somehow the desire to excel always falls short. No natural talent, the kind tongues say. But i stay content to be enthusiastic about life, i keep trying, new things, different things. It's not easy, being the underdog most times.
But thinking positive, having friendship as my greatest asset hasn't been too bad (except once when it was BAD.) Despite what many people see, I think i lead very naturally, never needing a loud voice or a fierce command. Some don't like it, but they miss it when it's not present.
As usual, it's always too late before people fully appreciate each other. Probably that's the reason why people only get truly famous and honoured after death, when suddenly there is no point in judging no more. Bad fades and good stays.
getting back in line.
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