Pouring, drenching, dancing, playing.

They say when it rains, it pours. Truth could not come closer to this superstition, as I’m taught over and over again in life.

Take an example, my heartland Johor Bahru, of which I’m apparently a grandmaster and protector of that sacred ground (cite iwannabefamous). When it rained, somehow it didn’t stop. And after 3 days of non-stop raining, many wondered if the sky has fallen. Certainly in a metaphorical sense, some people’s sky did fell. Reality came in waves, sweeping bustling towns and rural villages alike, as if blind to the rules of the caste system. Johor Bahru has not seen worst floods than this. This is the real thing. Natural disasters are finally arriving at beloved JB to wreck our lives as it has in our neighbours Kuching, Indonesia, Taiwan and Australia.

As with my heartland, my heart itself is climbing those cliffs of test. My worries, whether pressing or mediocre, flood me. Somehow in this whole turbulence, I’ve become all shook up. I procrastinate tasks to desperately try to find my identity. I’ve not lost it completely, but it is just hard to find among all the luggages and pills and the blur of the unknown. Maybe it is this ‘unknowing’, of my body, of my life in the near future, of my career and of matters of the heart that trouble me the most. Complicating these are some side worries for people I care about. And in the heat of all problems, I feel helpless. Since the first troubles, it has not gotten easier. Or luckier. “Once you’re rock bottom, there’s no way to go but up.” True, yet I’ve not hit rock bottom and I have no desire to return to that hole once again.

And when I needed it most, I fail myself. Maybe I have relied too much on these emotional releases, dancing and basketball. Most cruel and painful are these losses. But not the be-all and end-all. But terribly lamentable.

Just as with natural disasters, I seek answers to my confused, confuzzled self. The biggest question: “Why?” hangs there like a carrot on a stick. I seek comfort in knowing, and hopefully in understanding. Maybe it started when I stopped talking with God. Maybe these are tests meant to set me on the right path for good, while I still have not much to lose. I can nod my head to this. I’m young; my bones may yet grow. I’m freshly graduated; my chances may yet manifest. I am loved; my friends may not yet abandon me. I’m patient; it may yet pay off. Plus I still can Wii. Just like victims of the uncontrollable, I kneel here and look upwards. And I close my eyes. Forgive me. Strengthen me. I will do you proud.

And then I play in the rain.