Proving Me Wrong

The goals i set for May 2006 are almost complete. My diary is full, I'm 50% less late, and when i'm late the "late time" is less, i'm keeping my wallet in check, and i'm doing things more regularly. and i attended dance!
This month is to piss less people off. and keep my jaw from falling into my soup. and try to burn weimou a couple more times than usual, and try to not panic when pk jumps in front of me. Eat more? learn more recipes ;) esp western stuff. And to sort out money stuff. and dance.
I also need to feel less frightened when i'm in my own home, in front of my computer, downloading p2p. i have nightmares of police busting my doors. oh god.
It's time to prove me wrong, that it's never too late to change. for the better of course.
thanks sher and ann.
Will appreciate all the help i get in this :)

Train station Jazz

I saw your face, in that crowded place,
And i don't know what to do,
cos i'll never be with you.
-James Blunt "Beautiful"-

morning. and i saw her. twist of fate, cruel, funny and interesting all in one twister wrap.
and songs rushing in my head. rushing rushing Bic Runga rushing rushing, something to do with subways and a special girl, rushing rushing oh yeah his name is James Blunt, staring staring into nothing nothing. Bic Runga again. and i smiled.
Maybe i should just count my blessings. And also get street-smart. At least i can look back time and again and never regret not trying.
Suddenly i have this urge to run to the ocean and scream, in ecstacy, in despair, in vain. And smile after that.
I guess we all need one of those, in one of those moments.

If Only

If only i was as free as him.
if only i had fun like him.
if only exams were history, like for him.
if only i could be him, and lead his life.
if only you were me, then you'll see, you'll see.
I need to see through myself.
and so does everyone.

Trying too hard.

Verses, Proses, my mind is singing,
through crowds foreign, i light a grin.
No end to where i'm going,
to and from the beginning.
Yet paths of legends walk astray
but find their way over again.
To dream, to sing, to fly away.
i catch a star along the way.
To give, to take, a love to share,
a heart to melt, my mind doth tear.
For what is meant to be will be,
my voice leads me to hills a-free.
~3.54am~

Housewarming of Flinders Mansion

Yup this is Waaaay overdue, both this post and the housewarming of our lovely new address at Flinders st. Love the location, love the kitchen, hate the noise, but hey, nothing's perfect. Except these beauty queens.------->

So, anyway, the turnout was great, had apologies from important people.
Theme, as you can see, was Gu Dai Shi Jie....
I guess it was hard, but fun as well.
Bravo to all me ladies for turning out in lovely china-china things....hahaha and sorry it was cold...don't blame me.
So Me and Derrick spent a whole week trying to clear all the mess out before it was decently presentable to invite anyone. Especially Friday, the whole day was pretty hellish. But, after turning our bedroom into a nuclear test site, the living room finally looked decent :)
Thanks to all you peeps for coming, cooking, humoring, and entertaining yourselves, thanks DJ HockSeng for the music, and thanks Derr for the very china things we wore. And sorry that some of you saw little of me, it was a little hard to juggle 30 guests, a table full of food, and a sink full of dishes. I'm sure you all will understand. And a bigger thank you for people who sacrificed something to come, like having to hurry from airport, braving the cold to donn the cheong-sam, spending so much time to make food, coming when you have better things to do....THANK YOU.

ok enough of the boring shit. Wanna re-cap how many moles and where they are on good ol' Derr? haha....Or what my numerous fetishes are (that was NOT a real question btw).....
okok don't freak out on me.

Lots of love, yo.
Best part, our place is still the same state. (thank god) yay!

p.s. leaving you with a pic of stunning Melbourne sunset from Mt Dandenong!

Tourist Destination no.1

You'd never guess it.
Yesterday was night market. And wonderful and crazy things happened.
Never thought i'd trust anyone with my car. If i had one. But it seems karma is different. It's telling me "Share your goddamn car! in future, that is." haha I've learnt one thing: don't judge a person before you even know him. I'm pretty proud to say the Uncle from Chili Padi is a COOL DUDE! that's right, free advertising to the nice the good men out there. He let us use his nice CR-V sport for the day. and guess who drove?...no Guess! no, wrong. no, wrong again. it's me. dumbass.
Anyway, hahamuahaha i still can't get over driving. and almost backing into a van (OOPS). if anyone tells uncle this, i'll strangle you till your lifeless body dangles from the 5th floor of 166 Flinders St.

So life's like that, unpredictable at best, but where's the fun in monotony anyway?
like a friend said, if bad (or strange, for that matter) things didn't happen, we wouldn't have stories to tell, and we would be boring grandparents, and we don't want that do we? all the nursing-home blues and wandering-the-streets days.... (ok i made the last bit up)

Sometimes bad things are even good for your soul. It's like a road trip. You hit a kangaroo, you laugh it off. Your car swerves dangerously while a trailer overtakes you, and you try to laugh it off. You realize you're not driving TO anywhere, but rather you're driving AWAY from your destination, your purpose. Can't laugh at that one. Gotta cry it off your chest. But in the end of all things, even roads don't last forever, and you gotta do a U and come back to reality. Except this time you make sure you keep some of that good kangaroo steak (it sells for 26bucks per 200g, trust me, just ask the "Hard to get" crew), and you stick your middle finger at the asshole trailer while he's not looking, and you remember your break is over, but your life is not. And you go back and make the world better, so your grandkids can say what an awesome grandad or grandmom (i'm trying to be politically correct) you are. That's that. And maybe, the next time you need a road trip, my number is 0411028588. If i'm dead, bring me in your trunk anyway, you never know when you need a good bone in the car. (OMG did i just say that?? yes i did *grinz* )

Unlike most people say, friends do come and go. Better grab them before they vanish. grab where, depends on your want of a good ol slap.

Over and Out.

Toosh Koosh Bush *Doosh*

Toosh is the wind
that carries my thoughts
Gone in a toosh,
gone with my thoughts.
They leave a trace,
as defined as breadcrumbs.
I search with grace,
still i feel so dumb.
I think a moment,
for a better answer,
while the image of dinner
fades to a colourful blur.
It's hard to believe
that i actually speak english
when vegetable is a 4-syllable
and fiss is a water creature.
Einstein was right on key
when he spoke of stupidity
and i will stop this rhyme
and the torture of your eye.
good bye.

;P this happens when i'm bored.

It's Just a Feeling

I'm Speechless. And the great talkative, full of BS "J to the Win" is for once, utterly speechless. With every email, sms, call, hug, cake, every second spent with me not dota-ing, not studying for a monday exam, baking, cooking, waking up at freaking 9.30am, I am drawn further into jaw-dropping, eye-popping, heart-throbbing speechlessness.
My greatest thanks to all you peeps, I LOVE YOU. freak that's gay, but i had to say it. There you have it. My closet-opener.
My Family.
MouMou, Ann(i wan the brownies), Siying(gd luck!), Elv, PK, WP, Eug, CS, Syl(sorry!), Ling, Eric, Ryan, Kim.
Derrick, Jel, Hendry, Ning, Grace, Shar, Ness, Leonard, Kel, Am, Cindy, Vinh, Prisc, Junni.
Michelle, Ailin & Bobo, Bohan, Chris Wong, Runxuan, Seng, Zheshien, SernKia, even from Mark.
Who else did i not remember? Memory lapse here.

I was surprised. For the Guitar, Boobies, nano, cake, card, le tour de Melbourne, the Super Surprise, the delicious breakky, the more delicious scones, L'oreal, Doraemon, the Electric Mixer, Jamie Oliver, the note, the sms-es, the call, THANK YOU.

I'm don't like S & M, i don't have fake boobs (they are real), dolphins ain't my type, the waitress wasn't that cute anyway, and i'm not sad, not anymore, and promise not to be for a long time.

More starry than the all star weekend was that my weekend is unforgettable. And i did everything i wanted to. and somehow, got everything i wished for.

I shall try to soak up all this and hopefully translate my gratefulness. Pictures next!

More thoughts on a rainy morning.

Good things are only appreciable when you've got bad things to compare them to, isn't it?
I remember a quote off my postcard-decorated wardrobe door, which i love so much.

"I, the lyrics, need you, the melody, to give life to the music"

In the same way, good things are only good when you've got someone to appreciate them.

Thinking about My Life.

Someone once told me that i was different to other people. Somehow within me, i carried purpose, and i walked foward, never looking back for too long. I inspired, i lead.
That was more than a year ago. I knew that Joon Win. I liked him. Things change. So do people. Some reluctantly, some happily.
So it can be expected that I changed.
'Purpose' used to mean the things i do today that makes a difference tomorrow, the year after, the century after, it was all the same. That drive, that passion, that fulfillment. I lived it. I loved it. It made me smile, no matter what.
'Purpose' now means what's for dinner.

'Dreams' used to mean ambition, hope, happiness, family, love, unity.
'Dreams' now means I slept very well.

'Change' used to always be better. Old trees die, but the spring brings new life every year.
'Change' is now a burden. A getting-used-to again.

But i also know, Now is not Forever. Neither am I.
Tomorrow is just a list of to-dos and other formalities.
Today is the touch of love.
Today is the breath of fresh air.
Today is fulfillment. Today is happiness.
Only today. only today.
Let us start Today. Let us live today.
Let us love today.

May the summer breeze waft change in my life, and let me see the best Me that can be.
God be my strength.

Growing Up Rich.

Some point in our time, we experience crisis. There's puberty and mid-life. And then there's now. Right now. Out of school, almost out of school, and almost broke. We all fall under one or more. And me? I'm falling, period.
Talking with me mumma (same conversation that night) i told her how most people in Australia that i know are with rich parents, sending their kids overseas for an overpriced albeit prestigious Uni Melb Degree. I told her i was a spoilt kid, and i didn't want my kids to be like that. I told her i'd settle being middle class. i'd drive a toyota instead of a Mercs, eat Streets instead of Haagen Daz (unless my wife insist ;p...which i'm sure she will...i'll marry one that will) and not live in an oversized mansion. And i'll have a stable employee job, and i'll have family time. Perfect. My mom just shook her head. I was so proud of myself that night. I was noblely giving up the riches, and valuing family. To amount to what? Hypocrisy one night later.
Having a bud with me budds (lame, plus i didn't drink) i was sipping my lemon tea and talking about the future. How to earn money? My fren brought up his entrepreneur ideas about a restaurant with it's focus on being an "experience". Holistic, original and great. Now where to get the capital? I thought for a while. Bringing up my readings on "Rich Dad, Poor Dad", i tried to mask my biomedical science commerce-bonehead ignorance and discussed investment. Which eventually made me think of all the riches i could possibly make and i smiled. A real, huge, self-satisfying, greedy grin. And i still wonder why.
Maybe it's cos i'm that spoilt brat i say i am. no-one has ever called me spoilt. but still, how do you ask a person who's lived a life of "yao qian, shen shou, yao chi, kai kou" (in mandarin, means Want money? reach out your hand. Want to eat? open your mouth. ) to bow down into a life of to-do's and get-along's? It's not easy, and maybe that's why money IS important, whether we like it or not. Maybe it's not about greed, but rather, it's really survival. Earning to support our lifestyle, our entertainment, our so-called "life".
There is definitely more to this. I've seen so many people on the streets in malaysia, with low wages, some really small job with no future in the night market, and they have family. They have kids. How? How do you live on a $10 daily budget and still get by? it is inconceivable to my very comfortable life. Yet people do it.
I want to help people. And i realized i cannot wait to be rich to do that. Cos once i'm rich, i will be selfish. Maybe this is why sacrifice is needed. Your own life, not for the better lives of others, (we can't do that much) but for better days of others. And that is enough to make a difference.

p.s. peeps in melb, dun be offended. I don't work, so i don't earn my keep like i should. You guys do, you rock! And if you don't, you can empathise with me ;p

Life is for living, we all know.

I realize that posting lyrics on your blog ain't too smart, considering most people actually don't bother to read all the small and wordy stuff.
However, i just did. look below. and i hope you read it.

Now I never meant,
To do you wrong,
That’s what I came here to say.

But if I was wrong,
Then I’m sorry,
I don’t let it stand in our way.

As my head just aches,
When I think of,
The things that I shouldn’t have done.

But, life is for living,
We all know,
And I don’t wanna live it alone.

-Coldplay, Life is for Living

The last line echoes in my head. Over and over. Having this talks with your mom in the night is spiritually and emotionally challenging. All at once my values i cherish dearly are challenged. And i can't say things to hurt my mom. Not when she only sees me once a year, one week every 52. Yet i still do, subtley. When i question her teaching methods. When i wonder aloud what happened to me when i was a kid. When i get talking about me staying in australia the next 5 years. And still, it fustrates me when she question and object , at the same time (women can really multitask, eh?), the way i handle my friends, and the decisions i make about myself in australia. And we get talking about my future. And how i will find her a really good daughter-in-law. And she will poke fun at it. She's funny when she finally decides to cut me a little slack. Which will remind me of the women i'm missing in my life. My mom and my sister. And my ex, who would be that mother figure i depended on for a year. And the lost of all that in my uni years. How i shyed away from forming close lady friends. How i started to not know how to communicate with the opposite sex. How i couldn't deal with all the silent moments where i ran out of things to say.
And the worst of it all, to come down and deal with the disappointment i so readily handed out to my friends. Gaining trust all over again, listening, shutting up, paying attention, getting a grip, thinking before speaking, being more sensitive, being less sensitive, hurting, hurting, hurting. Never knew a human being could rain like a 'water tap'.
And to bounce back, to have the strength to forget, forgive, move on. I could have never done without you peeps standing by me.
And i will walk this song. this song of life.
For songs are made for singing. And life is made for living.
p.s. this is the most romantic apology i've come across. Good idea to learn it now, buy a guitar, and use it I.C.S.H. (In Case Shit Happens). ;)

Expressions of Love

"You'd think that people would have had enough of
silly love songs.
But I look around me
and I see it isn't so
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs
And what's wrong with that ?
I'd like to know '
cause here I go
again.
I love you
I love you
I love you
I loveyou."
-Wings, Silly Love Songs

And really, what IS wrong with that? Born with a dick, people like to think that it is un-seemly to express myself in love. After losing chances to show my love for people i truly care about, i have felt the urgency of every loved one to be bathed in my love all the time. And that was what i set out to do.
But it seems that things are not going well. i may be doing it wrong in a few ways,
a) i come onto people as being gay. Well, i'm sure MANY peeeps will agree that ain't something new. But men can show love to one another outwardly, can't they? With my guy friends, i always have to settle for assuming their actions, their attitudes, and the things they say, the time they spend with you, to feel the love. I guess i'm a person with that great need to feel love. throw a little insecurity and you've probably figured me out.
b) i'm oversensitive. Maybe i don't feel the love because i take them too seriously. Most times, contrary to popular belief, Guys just wanna have fun (to those wols peeps, the song 'girls just wanna have fun' is being satired). This one is a tough one for me. Maybe i changed to trying to take them seriously because i wanted to be taken seriously. maybe i should learn a tad or two about timing, or rather, good timing.
c) Love just isn't about outward expression. I am aware now that people can regard an outward expression of love to be superficial, almost routine. refering to the aussie culture, where touch is a common aspect of their social behaviour. A hug can mean lots, and it can, at the same time, mean absolutely chicken shit. Of course, i ain't no Oz, so if you get a hug from me, i'm for real, baby! and Kel, i know you're for real too....Keep it real ma nigga. Perhaps, as i always preach but forget to do myself, it is deeds, not words, that are our adorning. And above all, the thought and intention and effort that counts.
d) Love must come from the heart. Sincerity, maybe, is the point of issue here. That, i must say, can only be judged by the receiver, and it is for me only to remain true to my heart and be sincere.

My goal is to become a person that is absolutely un-superficial with feelings. And when it comes down to taking a left-down-hatred-lane or right-up-where-it-feels-good-lane, i'd absolutely be obeying the "no left turn" road sign. Cheers to building true friendships!
two words: Keep it Real. shut up, 'it' aint a real word, it stands for.........

In a plane above Fraser Island

Summer Breeze!

Finally i'm back here blogging. although this time it's just pictures! i guess i can't wait to show all you peeps our crazy times in Queensland and Sydney, where we flew up to Cairns and drove down back to Melbourne. Most of the 2 week trip was spent on the coast of Queensland, the Sunshine State! hehehee and check out my fav pics, those with Jump for Joy! (remember Russell Peters??)
anyway, i'd probably be back blogging in a while. unless my keyboard dies on me again zzz.
peace out and stay healthy!
i do, and i will, miss all you peeps out there. love!
Joon Win

Group pic in Dreamworld! and me being the dumbass

Shark Rescue!

My homies at Harbour Bridge!

Jump for Joy! Dreamworld, Gold Coast

On the boat around Great Barrier Reef